Recently, I spent a weekend on my own. It has been quite some time since I have been solo. My boyfriend has been in the same city with me for the last year and we have been pretty inseparable. I knew I had a bit of an issue when the first time he was away. My house felt creepy with just me in it. Even though I was in my locked house, I still felt the need to lock my bedroom door.
He left on a Tuesday and during the week the loneliness slowly crept up on me. As I faced an empty weekend my game plan was to pack it so full of activities that I would totally forget my temporary single status.
First up, a graduation party Friday night. I knew two people at this party, one of which was the grad. All I could think was if my boyfriend had been there, I would have had a built in partner in crime and we could have done something later that evening.
Saturday, I had purchased movie marathon passes at a new movie theater experience, Cinetopia. I bought way too much food and headed in with hands and arms full. The place was awesome. For a bit, my mind was appeased but the first movie was one I had just seen with my boyfriend and I kept thinking about his reactions when we watched the movie. The second theater I was in was staged in love seats and I had one all to myself so that was a bit lonely but super comfortable.
Saturday night I went to a concert alone, which was really a test. I was uncomfortably packed tight with other concert goers since the show was sold out and I am short so I could not see a thing. I am not a shy person so I struck up conversation with those around me but I still felt like an interloper desperately reaching out for a connection. Towards the end of the evening, I bonded with another “short girl” and her group. Because of this, the night ended up not being so bad after all. But, as I walked back to my car alone, loneliness crept back in.
On Sunday I woke up to a lack of cuddling, which was disappointing but I got myself up and together and headed out to Cirque Du Soleil – alone. This was not so bad. The show does not require a lot of chatting but I kept noticing all the couples and groups around me. I felt like there were giant broadway size signs pointing at my alone-ness.
Conclusion, I need to regrow my independence and confidence. I am not sure when I got so scared while being alone. I used to be a single girl who did a lot of things alone. After all, I am alone on all my business trips. I am a bit disappointed in myself but I think the experience was good. I definitely intend to do more things on my own. Actually, now it feels necessary if only to not lose myself.
Photo borrowed from here.